Adversity
by Katseester
Summary: This cannot possibly be a love story, for they are Nobodies, and Nobodies cannot feel. Roxas always did break the rules. //He was too tall, too thin, too wild, too everything--//


This is actually a Hanukkah gift for Jess...no, we're not Jewish. Just decided to celebrate Hanukkah instead of Christmas and give each other crappy gifts. This one was supposed to be for Thursday..two weeks ago..but I crapped out and wrote something else instead, which also sucked.

ANYWAYS. Happy late effing Hanukkah Jess, you better enjoy this, it took me about 4-5 hours to write. A ridiculously long time, yes?

Oh, yeah, a note. Xion isn't in this. Didn't feel like writing her in. Too complicated. Bleh.

* * *

The day Roxas first met Axel, he hadn't had that great of an opinion of the man. He was too tall, too thin. His arms were like sticks and far too long, and his hair was a funny colour.

Axel wasn't mean, nor was he nice, by any means. His temper flared almost as quickly as it dissipated, his smiles and laughs were insincere and forced. He treated Roxas like a small child with no sense of direction, but, then again, what was Roxas but an empty shell with no personality?

To Roxas, it seemed Axel was an over-exaggeration in himself; too tall, body too thin, arms too long, hair too outrageous, personality too volatile. It never occurred to Roxas that maybe Axel simply wanted to be his own person.

Roxas didn't particularly feel anything about this (he was a Nobody, Nobodies couldn't "feel"), but he wondered why he talked to Axel more, sought him for advice above anyone else, searched for a smile within the twisting maze of a personality it seemed Axel had erected around himself to keep others out. Roxas understood this; he wasn't stupid. He understood that Axel had created his character based on memories and the faint recollection of emotions he once possessed as a whole being.

Roxas didn't understand, however, how he was supposed to forge his own personality. After all, he had no memories. He had nothing to go on, no idea how to act, how to react, no idea what happiness, sorrow, boredom, was. He was simply a tool, useful for the Organization's purposes. It was for that reason that he strove to collect hearts, strove to complete Kingdom Hearts, so that one day, hopefully in the near future, he would have his own heart, his own emotions, his own memories. His own purpose.

But for the time being, Roxas watched Axel. He watched the others, as well, but none seemed to have conceived such an unbreakable facade as Axel. It appeared that, for pretending, Axel was one step ahead of anyone else.

* * *

After a while, Axel warmed to Roxas. He acted less ornery, less obtuse towards Roxas. He let Roxas find his rare, sincere smile, let Roxas hear a laugh uninihibited by bitterness or scorn. He treated Roxas fairly and equally, and with something akin to fondness. He shared his knowledge of the Worlds, his knowledge of emotions, his knowledge of almost anything, useful or not.

And so, it was through Axel's friendship that Roxas began to show a sign of sentience, a sign that maybe one didn't need memories of their own to live and breathe and feel.

And though it confused him, Roxas himself began to feel some semblance of emotions. He could distinguish happiness, anger, sadness, and a whole plethora of emotions with no cognizance as to _how_.

* * *

There was a twinge of sorrow in Roxas' chest as he learned of Axel's fate. It wasn't quite painful, but persistent and throbbing, a great feeling of emptiness consuming what used to be his ambience towards the other man.

His throat was tight, making words hard, and his eyes burned, blurring with tears that Roxas knew wouldn't fall. They would never fall. He was a Nobody, Nobodies couldn't feel.

So then _why_ did his chest hurt with a hollowness he couldn't explain?

Life continued without Axel. Roxas still embarked on missions, still ate ice cream (though the flavour was off, it was too salty, too sticky, too much of a remembrance of the only friend he had ever had, had ever liked--), still felt the aching in his chest when he thought of Axel and everything they had never done, never would do, never had a chance to even think about.

If the others thought Roxas was acting strangely (for he had forged himself a personality of his own, lacking memories, lacking feelings, with only the help of Axel--), they said nothing of it, because they knew (or rather, they thought they knew) Roxas could not actually be _sad_, for he was a Nobody, and everyone knew that Nobodies couldn't feel.

* * *

Roxas knew he was special. He knew that he was different from the rest. He knew that he was the only one who could collect hearts, the only one who could complete Kingdom Hearts. And, strangely, the only one who could _feel_.

He didn't question it, simply accepted the fact that he wasn't like the others.

And the others didn't know. They didn't know that his emotions weren't just a semblance of the real things, didn't know that he could laugh, smile, cry, scream, with emotions that were _real_.

He kept this one thing a secret, locked away in the heart he didn't have. He didn't want to share his feelings, didn't want to share his knowledge, however useful it might be.

He allowed himself to be selfish.

* * *

Life, however dreary and numbing, continued with the absence of the members who perished at Castle Oblivion, and so did Roxas. He collected hearts, brought the Organization closer to their goal, tried to forget about the one person (too tall, too thin, too wild, too _everything_--) who he could not.

And though the aching in his chest lessened as the days went by, it never truly disappeared and simply became a part of his being, like the heartbeat he didn't have.

Roxas never realized how constricted and heavy his chest felt, until the day Axel returned, seemingly out of nowhere. In that one moment he stared, open-mouthed, unashamed, at the man (too tall, too thin, too wild, too _everything--_) who had caused him such sadness.

Roxas wanted to hit him, wanted to scream in anger until his throat was raw, for how Axel had made him _feel_, wanted to cry in frustration for _why_ he felt like this.

But Roxas did none of these. So great was his relief at seeing his friend (the only friend he ever had, ever liked--) here, _alive_, that he rushed forward and nearly knocked Axel off his feet from the force behind his embrace. Axel hugged him back, chuckled, and made an off-hand comment that Roxas couldn't hear.

Throughout the exchange, Roxas only uttered three words.

"I missed you..."

And Axel laughed. Open, carefree, happy.

Roxas never realized how heavy his chest had felt with Axel gone, now that it felt so light.

* * *

And life continued. Roxas collected hearts, brought the Organization closer to their goal, ate ice cream with Axel on the top of the clock tower (it was delicious, sweet, not too salty), and kept his secret.

Roxas felt more and more emotions as time passed. They were headache-inducing, dizzying, overwhelming. They surfaced at inappropriate times, made him appear a fool, naive, stupid.

Yet, out of all the emotions he had experienced, he could not think of the name for one.

He could not think of the emotion he felt for Axel. Yes, they were friends, and Roxas liked him rather alot. But he knew it went further than that. It wasn't simply friendship, it was like a gravitational pull towards Axel, and Roxas knew that it was this feeling that had hurt him so much when Axel was absent.

And yet, he had no idea what it was.

* * *

"Axel, I need to ask you something."

Axel cocked an eyebrow. "What's up? Did something happen?"

"Nah...it's just...this is gonna sound stupid." Roxas sighed, but Axel's look of silent encouragement spurred him on. "Do you know what love is?"

Axel looked shocked. His green, deep green, eyes widened to comical proportions, and for a moment he gaped like a fish. "'Scuse me?"

Roxas was almost sorry he asked.

"I found out about love on today's mission--that it's something powerful." And Roxas was almost _certain_ that love was--

"That's true. It is. But I'll never get to experience it." Axel's eyes took on a faraway, almost wistful look.

"Nobodies can't love..." It was a thought spoken aloud, one that Roxas already knew, for Nobodies could not feel.

"Love is what happens if there's something really special between two people," Axel continued, as if he had not heard Roxas.

"You mean, like, if they're best friends?" Roxas asked.

"Well, you can care about your friends, I guess," Axel conceded, his brow wrinkling, "but that's not what I'm talking about."

This confused Roxas. "So then, love is like a step above friends?"

"Yes...well, no. There aren't 'steps'." Axel looked about as confused as Roxas by this point.

"I don't get it."

Axel looked like he wanted to agree. But instead, he said,

"What does it matter? We'll never know the difference." His tone was almost one of defeat.

But Roxas wasn't giving up. "If I had a heart, you think I could love somebody?"

"Once Kingdom Hearts is complete, you'll be able to do all kinds of things." Axel was evading the question, and he knew that Roxas knew it.

They left the clock tower with a slightly uncomfortable feeling.

* * *

The more Roxas thought about what Axel said, about what "love" was (no matter how broken or faulty the explanation), the more certain he was that he loved Axel.

He had never felt anything close to this for anyone else within the organization. Granted, he did not care to get close to any of them, but he was sure he would have known if he loved them.

And so Roxas, because he _was_ naive and so utterly _confused_, and because he trusted Axel, decided that this was a secret he could not keep.

* * *

"Axel."

"Hmm?"

The two were sitting atop the clock tower, eating ice cream, as per usual.

"Axel, I..." Roxas didn't know how to word it.

Axel was giving him an inquiring look now, one full of curiosity. "Yeah?"

Roxas looked straight at Axel. "I think I love you."

Axel almost fell off his precarious perch on the ledge. He reached his hand, the one with ice cream, back to steady himself.

"You _what_?"

"I said I love you," Roxas repeated.

"You can't," Axel said abruptly. He was shifting uncomfortably, averting his gaze.

"Why not?" Roxas challenged. He leaned forward. Axel leaned away.

"You just can't," Axel repeated. "Look, I shouldn't have told you about it. I gave you a stupid idea--"

"It's not stupid," Roxas cut him off. "I'm certain of it. Why don't you believe me?"

"You're a Nobody, Roxas," Axel said, looking at him for the first time. His gaze was not friendly. "You and I both know that Nobodies can't feel."

"But _I_ can, Axel! I can feel!" And before Roxas could stop himself, he was speaking, spilling his secret to the only person he would ever confide it in. "I'm special. Everyone knows I'm special, they've even told me. I _can_ feel."

"That's not true." Axel was looking away again. "You can't feel, and you can't love me." He made a move to leave.

"Look at me!" Roxas shouted. He grabbed Axel's arm with such strength that Axel paused in his motions and snapped his head back towards him. "Look at me, and tell me that I'm lying."

In Axel's eyes, Roxas could see the truth, that Axel knew, that he knew the whole time, that Roxas had not been lying.

But Axel closed his eyes, his green, deep green, eyes, and Roxas could no longer see the truth.

"There's no possible way, Roxas. I'm sorry." He did not sound very sorry.

Roxas wanted to yell, wanted to scream from frustration, from hurt, from betrayal, from the only man he trusted, liked, loved.

Instead, he let go of Axel's arm, and stood up.

"I shouldn't have said anything." Roxas looked at Axel, hoping, pleading...

"No, you shouldn't have." Axel was looking away, back stiff, shoulders tense.

Roxas left the clock tower, and Axel did not try to stop him.

* * *

Axel avoided Roxas afterward. He did not speak to him, did not look at him, acted like he didn't exist.

Roxas ate ice cream at the clock tower alone. Axel no longer showed up. The ice cream Roxas ate was bland, neither salty nor sweet, and only served as a reminder of Axel (who was too tall, too thin, too wild, too _everything--_but Roxas loved him).

During missions together, Axel would remain silent, would look anywhere but at Roxas.

But, despite the cold shoulder, despite the coldness Axel directed at him, despite his outright rejection, the feelings Roxas had didn't fade. And it was because of this that Roxas knew that he really did love Axel, and that it would not wither and die, like Xaldin said all love would.

* * *

"Yo."

Roxas whipped around, and almost dropped his ice cream. Axel stood at the corner of the clock tower, arms crossed, and eyes downcast.

"So you finally show up, huh?" Roxas wished he could smile, but he couldn't.

"Heh, yeah." Axel flopped down on the ledge. "It's been a long time, huh?"

"You could say that," Roxas said, turning away, angry for no apparent reason.

"Sorry. I needed time to think."

"Think about what?" Roxas asked. "Think about how stupid I am, how foolish I was to say I love you?"

"No! No," Axel raised his arm as if to grab Roxas' shoulder, but upon seeing his demeanor, let it drop. "I didn't, I mean, you..." he took a deep breath, and exhaled.

"I'm not taking it back. I meant it," Roxas said.

Axel sighed. "I know."

"Then why did you act like you thought I was lying?" Roxas demanded.

"We're Nobodies, Rox," Axel said, "Nobodies aren't supposed to feel anything."

"But I--"

"But you _do _feel, and that made me wonder," Axel cut him off. "To tell you the truth, it kinda scared me. Nobodies _aren't_ supposed to...but then again, you _are_ special."

"Yeah."

Axel looked sidelong at Roxas before continuing. "It just didn't make any sense."

"What didn't make any sense?" Roxas asked.

"For you to love me."

"But I do," Roxas insisted. His anger disappeared, and was replaced by pure want. He wanted Axel to believe him, to accept it.

Axel sighed again. "I don't doubt it," he said. "But what's weird is..."

"Is what?" Roxas persisted upon Axel's hesitation.

"You make _me_...feel."

"I...what?" Roxas cocked his head.

Axel looked extremely uncomfortable. He scratched his head. "You...make me feel. Weird things. I dunno why, I haven't felt anything before this. But I know that it's not normal. I wouldn't feel like this if it were anyone else."

"But, what is it?" Roxas asked.

"I dunno, man," Axel repeated. "It's a bunch of different things. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm happy...it's almost like it was when I was complete. And that never happened before you joined the Organization. And sometimes, I get these urges to just...I dunno. Protect you." He waved his hand flippantly, expressing his loss for words.

"But what really matters is that you make me _feel_," Axel said. "And that's special. There's something special between us, I think."

"Something special...between two people," Roxas said, wrinkling his brow. "You mean...?"

"Er, yeah." Axel scratched his head again.

And then, Axel (too tall, too thin, too wild, too _everything_--but Roxas loved him) leaned towards Roxas and kissed him. And Roxas kissed back.

It was far from perfect; both were severely inexperienced and there was a painful clashing of teeth before they got the hang of it, but then it was pleasant, and Roxas had to suppress a shudder as Axel traced his gloved hands across his cheekbones, through his hair, down his sides.

* * *

The day Roxas left the Organization, he'd expected Axel to come after him, and he wasn't disappointed.

"Your mind's made up?"

Roxas paused, if only briefly. "Why did the Keyblade choose me? I have to know."

Axel sprung from his perch against the wall. "You can't turn on the Organization!" He shouted, "Get on their bad side, and they'll destroy you! Think about it for a minute, Rox."

"No one would miss me," Roxas said. He knew it was a lie. His whole life, his existance, was a lie.

He couldn't, wouldn't, turn around to see Axel's face, contorted with anger, worry, hurt. He continued on his way. If Axel wanted to fight him, then fine. He would beat Axel, he would find the truth.

He closed his eyes, breathed deeply.

"That's not true! I would." There was such a pleading tone to Axel's voice that Roxas almost turned around again, almost wanted to return with him.

But he didn't. He kept walking.

* * *

Axel was many things. He was too tall, too thin. His arms were like sticks, and far too long. His hair was bright red and stuck out at funny angles. Roxas loved him.

He was snarky and witty and sarcastic and caring and friendly and he loved Roxas.

And when he found the popsicle stick emblazoned with WINNER, he realized the implications and all the things that would never happen, would never have a chance to happen.

Axel resolved to find him.

* * *

And thus Roxas doomed himself to losing his two best friends and having his memory wiped and blah blah blah HIS SUMMER VACATION IS EFFING OVER.

I kind of paraphrased the two conversations from the actual game, added in my little bit, or took out a bit, whatever.

Righto. It's 2:34 in the morning, and I believe I started this around 9:10. Wow, I fail. Yeah, I realize it's not that great and it jumps around, but I don't care. It's finished, it's a gift, and I'm most likely going to edit it tomorrow or something when my brain is less cracked.

NOW GO TO BED.

(Just a little sidenote: they added Zack's name to the character list. This makes me feel warm and fuzzy because I love him. And I was very sad at the end of Crisis Core. Just saying.)


End file.
